Suggested changes PT1
Okay the story is under review in the forums. I just wanted to add my comments on the current one in case it is used as a starting point. Booty 01:47, 11 June 2008 (CEST)
- Many ages ago, the world was entangled by war.
Okay ages suggests periods of transition, which is fine but these ages might need to be explained and described to better understand the depth of time and the current status of the world. Also, world being this world or some other it seems a bit ambiguous.
- From the smallest tribe to the grandest of kingdoms, virtually every discernible group of mankind...
While I like the world virtually most of the time it seems to take away from the storytelling narrative, nearly or almost I feel are better choices. Discernible can be dropped, if they are a group, they are discernible. Also of mankind can be dropped, tribes and kingdoms already suggest some type of people unless there is a reason to specify humans, but there does not seem to be a reason implied from the current story or the in-game elements.
- ...was somehow involved.
The sentence really could be worded better I think. actually I'm stopping here and just rewriting it.
- Through the darkness of war however, a light of truth somehow shone through. Amidst the previously unstoppable fighting, it was revealed that four manipulative gods were behind the chaos and confusion; that all of the misunderstandings leading to the generations of bloodshed, had been initiated by them.
- People immediately stopped fighting one another, redirecting their aggression toward the Gods. Though they had destroyed much of their own civilization, ancient people were still quite powerful and in the end of the conflict, overpowered the Gods, banishing them in an explosion of magical energy. The resulting wave of destruction resonated across the globe, fragmenting the once solitary continent and killing millions.
- Generations have passed since that great disaster and people are slowly but surely, picking up the pieces of society. Though the world-wide hostilities seem to have stopped, such peace is often fleeting..
- ..for an old and forgotten threat is looming in the background, plotting to make history repeat itself.
Booty 01:49, 11 June 2008 (CEST)
Suggested changes PT2
Many ages ago, the world became embroiled in blood. All of mankind, from the most modest tribesmen to the grandest of kings, became entangled in warfare. In the darkest hour of mankind's self slaughter when all lost hope for peace a shimmering truth was revealed. The four manipulative gods were responsible for the undoing of mankind.
Amidst the previously unstoppable fighting, it was revealed that four manipulative gods were behind the chaos and confusion; that all of the misunderstandings leading to the generations of bloodshed, had been initiated by them.
Mankind became unified and directed their immense war fed aggression towards the gods. While the great works and civilizations of man long since vanished as a result of endless destruction, eons of battle and violence made men well versed in methods of combats, including those arcane and battle-wrought. The war-hardened people overpowered the terrible gods and banished them from the world with an explosion of magical energy of immeasurable magnitude. The destructive energy of the blast ripped across the world's solitary continent and tore it asunder. Millions were killed and the surviving peoples were separated by seemingly unsurmountable waters and treacherous war-torn wasteland.
Since that time mankind has endured and have slowly began rebuilding the grandeur that was lost. While mankind has found peace since the time of great destruction, an old enemy looms in the shadows, threatening to repeat a terrible past.
Okay, I rewrote it in a manner more suitable to me. Tell me what you think, don't worry I am highly critical of others and expect them to be so with me. No sparing feeling. Just keep in mind that I went through this once and I'm too lazy to proof it. It is better if others do that anyway.
Some things should be added to this story: More information about the gods Background about the "world" like the name and the laws of physics applicable, an old looking map of world before the breakup would be great A better sense of time
Booty 02:47, 11 June 2008 (CEST)
