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== Suggested changes PT1 == | == Suggested changes PT1 == | ||
Okay the story is under review in the forums. I just wanted to add my comments on the current one in case it is used as a starting point. [[User:Booty|Booty]] 01:47, 11 June 2008 (CEST) | Okay the story is under review in the forums. I just wanted to add my comments on the current one in case it is used as a starting point. [[User:Booty|Booty]] 01:47, 11 June 2008 (CEST) | ||
Revision as of 23:49, 10 June 2008
Suggested changes PT1
Okay the story is under review in the forums. I just wanted to add my comments on the current one in case it is used as a starting point. Booty 01:47, 11 June 2008 (CEST)
- Many ages ago, the world was entangled by war.
Okay ages suggests periods of transition, which is fine but these ages might need to be explained and described to better understand the depth of time and the current status of the world. Also, world being this world or some other it seems a bit ambiguous.
- From the smallest tribe to the grandest of kingdoms, virtually every discernible group of mankind...
While I like the world virtually most of the time it seems to take away from the storytelling narrative, nearly or almost I feel are better choices. Discernible can be dropped, if they are a group, they are discernible. Also of mankind can be dropped, tribes and kingdoms already suggest some type of people unless there is a reason to specify humans, but there does not seem to be a reason implied from the current story or the in-game elements.
- ...was somehow involved.
The sentence really could be worded better I think. actually I'm stopping here and just rewriting it.
- Through the darkness of war however, a light of truth somehow shone through. Amidst the previously unstoppable fighting, it was revealed that four manipulative gods were behind the chaos and confusion; that all of the misunderstandings leading to the generations of bloodshed, had been initiated by them.
- People immediately stopped fighting one another, redirecting their aggression toward the Gods. Though they had destroyed much of their own civilization, ancient people were still quite powerful and in the end of the conflict, overpowered the Gods, banishing them in an explosion of magical energy. The resulting wave of destruction resonated across the globe, fragmenting the once solitary continent and killing millions.
- Generations have passed since that great disaster and people are slowly but surely, picking up the pieces of society. Though the world-wide hostilities seem to have stopped, such peace is often fleeting..
- ..for an old and forgotten threat is looming in the background, plotting to make history repeat itself.
Booty 01:49, 11 June 2008 (CEST)
